The following IELTS essay is written by one of our students. I have critically examined the essay and awarded the bands to the student. Kindly read the essay and critical commentary so that you can improve your IELTS essay writing skills.
You should spend about 40 minutes on the task.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Over the past years, it is observed that the popular people across the society are increasing in numbers. Their presence is often celebrated as they showcase a spectacular image of themselves before the society. But it should always be taken in consideration that on what basis these celebrities are receiving so much attention from the people. Some people are genuinely praising the skills in the respective fields of the celebrities and some people are just after their lifestyles.
We don’t use the article ‘the’ for words ‘society’ and ‘celebrities’.
The opinion of the author is not clear. Also, the introduction is a bit vague and doesn’t define the main topic of the essay well. You are mainly asked, “Only money and lifestyle of celebrities is highlighted and not their achievements. Is this good or bad?”
The essay is not asking whether we should make celebrities famous on achievements or not.
It is true that Young people may get attracted to the celebrities just by their wealth and glamour. It is bad as youngsters may start keeping their goals towards the wealth and glamour only and not the hardwork. To be successful one should keep goal to achieve certain skills so that he will be best suited choise for that particular task. But if from the beginning one will focus on just getting money and lavish lifestyle, the focus may get deviated. It ends up degrading the quality of the skill you want to pursue. We notice that in many cases the newly raised celebrities do not contribute a wider role in their respective working areas. Because their aim is set to a limit of the wealth they wanted. Nevertheless these celebrities act as an effective influencers amongst the youngsters, the stands they take on the social affairs are not much supported by the wiser people.
You don’t keep your goals towards somethings. Instead something is your goal. For example, earning money is youngsters goal. The subject in sentences is changing too often.
To be successful one should keep a goal to achieve certain skills so that he will…
We notice that in many cases the newly raised celebrities do not…
Following statement does not clarify the intention of the author.
We notice that in many cases the newly raised celebrities do not contribute a wider role in their respective working areas.
Also, the last point of the social influence of celebrities is not very clear.
Overall, the writer must pay attention to word usage as the meaning of the sentences is not very clear. Moreover, it is essential to explain the whole idea well. Otherwise, it could be problematic for the evaluator to understand your intentions.
On the other hand, there are some merits as well of being glamourous and wealthy. Celebrities get the desired comfort level at which they can keep themselves hasslefree and can enjoy life. There is nothing wrong in making money. It is always an Individual’s choice. Celebrities can become role models to the youngsters by accessing the wealth and guiding them to achieve the same.
You are not asked about the merits of being glamorous and wealthy. Also, the point, in the end, is self-contradictory. Overall, this paragraph serves no purpose.
Overall, in both ways it has different layers of a fame of a celebrity for their glamour and wealth. If it gets utilized for the good chores like ‘to motivate youngsters’ or ‘to influence them to work hard’ then it is appreciable; but if celebrities do keep showing off their money and glamour without a appropriate railing guide; then of course it is bound to make young people’s minds deflected from the efforts.
The end paragraph doesn’t have a summary of points which were discussed in the body paragraphs. Also, the points in the last paragraphs are different from those mentioned above. Also, the last sentence is unnecessarily long and confuses the reader.